'web log'

06.20.2024 - OOPS!

^{listening to - shin megami tensei v ost - battle - destruction -}

yeah um. ha. hahah.

... this is going to be a hell of a long one, so buckle up!

^{(couldn't find where to place this on this post: i'm on nekoweb now, and am probably going to be moving there soon since i decided to pay up for one of their supporter tiers (why? it's a cute domain name and supporter's cheaper there. that's literally all there is to it). my neocities will still be up for as long as i care updating it, but don't be surprised if one day it just turns into a redirect. aaaalso, i'm doing artfight!)}

where the hell have you been

well, i'm currently writing out this blog post and working on this update on my mom's laptop, which i have essentially claimed for myself (thanks, ma!). why, do you ask?

my old laptop finally decided to kick it, i dropped 2k i spent about a year saving up on a premade desktop, aaaand...
they sold me something with a GPU from 2009 (you'd think 'oh, just use it for lowkey shit and don't game on it', but i'm talking screen stuttering while trying to stream a video, no overheating, nothing.), as well as just generally mid components, with a poorly cracked version of windows 10 on it. awesome.

now, obviously, i feel cheated- god, this happened on my BIRTHDAY and i still feel butthurt over it. but if you know anything about me, is that i would literally rather put a cheese grater directly to my nuts than impose myself in any way on another person in any way, for better or for worse. this means that instead of complaining or trying to get my money back (something that would not have happened), i just swallowed the bitter pill that is "i got sold something actually unusable and am now going to have to either cough up 4k on a place that actually sells decent rigs or spend the next year or so funding new parts for this thing".

_{I WAS GONNA PLAY SMTV VENGEANCE!!!!! NOW IT'S OUT AND I FUCKING CAN'T!!!!}

that aside, i've been making commissions more of a fulltime thing since we've slipped a bit financially after moving; we're in an annoyingly expensive part of town and our rent went up by $400, so yeah; that's where most of my energy's been going.

that's not to say everything sucks, though.

far from it. i've been grieving over a lost friendship, dealing with the fallout and picking-up-the-pieces that comes with someone's turbulent departure from your life. that sounds like a bad thing, and yeah, even though i don't think i'll ever know why that happened, or why they had to hurt me the way they did on the way out; or even during our entire friendship, i think.. this was for the best.

i'm being vague out of respect, because the people who hurt me are people too, and i don't want to unperson anybody, even if they attempt to unperson me in turn (seriously, being accused of abusing my girlfriend to everyone around me, as well as telling everyone i know i secretly hated them wasn't cool, especially as an attempt to cut me off from the people around me. don't do that again.). but it was rough, and i'm mostly glad it's over, really.

i'm learning to not forgive. i've done it three times already, over the course of four years, and nothing changed. but that doesn't mean i have to be bitter. i can move past this. i can finally learn to love myself, without the weight of someone's expectations bogging me down. i can keep my heart open, since.. there's really no secret thing i can do to keep someone from abusing my trust. all i can do is keep an eye out for the signs, now that i know how to spot them. it was no secret to them that i've been abused by intimate partners and friends alike since i was 11, and that's why i let a lot of things slide.

i can't say there's not something missing. but also, sometimes it's not the people you miss, but.. something else. fuck if i know. i'm just starting to unravel all of this.

didn't mean to get all sentimental there.

on a less serious note,

among other things, i've been getting back into a childhood passion; Yu-Gi-Oh!
i rewatched the entirety of duel monsters with my girlfriend (going onto DSoD and GX), and am currently slowly going through the manga series with them. i bought the first three volumes in portuguese; since despite being fucking difficult to find (they were never reprinted here!), they were pretty damn cheap- my copy of vol. 1 actually has '$50' scribbled on it in pencil, but i got all three for around 20 bucks each!

i'm even thinking about buying cards for sentimental value; i'm NOT in any way a competitive player, i refuse to acknowledge meta from anytime past like, directly after the TCG came out. if you say the words synchro summon to me i start throwing up on you until you stop, because i don't think that's a real thing that exists.

^{KaibaCorp© Nutrition Pellets™ — Today at 12:17 AM

real summons:

normal

flip

xyz

mental disorders:

ritual

synchro

pendulum

link}

but god damn it if Platinum Rare Change of Heart doesn't appeal to something deep in me.

^{photo is aethercards on ebay's, not mine}
i mean. fucking look at her.

aside from my deep interest in card games made for children and deeply strategic grown men willing to actually use them and the animes that came from such card games; i've been sperging out about digital devil saga. wow, the shin megami tensei autist is freaking out over a random obscure shin megami tensei spinoff? MIND = BLOWN.

turning the cynicism off, i really, really love digital devil saga- AND most importantly, godai yu's own retelling of her story; quantum devil saga, and i really wish there were more eyes on it. i've been shitting myself trying to find any sort of digital archive of the second volume of QDS, praying someone out there was like "oh yeah baby i'll scan this today (getting my hands on a physical copy of it is out of the question because i live in the middle of buttfuck nowhere, and all the listings i can find are asking for like, 400 euros, which i get it it's a rare novel but Come On, Man). the other three were never officially translated, but there's a few instances of fan efforts to get them into english, if i'm not wrong.

though atlus' version of the story in their game duology is also pretty damn good, and i really wish i could emulate a PS2 right now god fuck.

oh, i also watched the entirety of dungeon meshi's first season with my friends! first time actually following an actively-releasing series since i was like, a kid. very excited for season 2, hoping to pick up the manga once i go through my backlog.

ALSO, ALSO! MILES EDGEWORTH INVESTIGATIONS 2 LOCALIZATION. I LITERALLY NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY. AND NO-LONGER-SEBASTIAN'S NAME IS FUCKING WHAT?

^{THE WINNERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!}

i literally can't even be mad. i know everyone's talking about eddie fender, and that's incredible in it's own right, but this is the funniest shit ever. i am excited to see an entire tag go obsolete on tumblr overnight though (or maybe not; we all know how change-resistant people online can be).

i think that's all i can really update you on. i hope i can find more time to work on mafreila. i spent like an hour writing this, and i REALLY oughta be going to bed if i care about not feeling like shit tomorrow.

i hope you're doing okay. i know i am. i think everything's going to be okay.